October 16, 2026

On rushing, loneliness, and the feeling of falling behind

This is an attempt to put down some things that have been on my mind lately.

With a move to a new place coming up, inflation, the struggle to manage my finances (and not doing particularly well at it), trying to provide for my family and my parents, work stress, loneliness, anxiety about the future, and the feeling of getting older without having much to show for it, I have been struggling.

I also want to fulfil some childhood dreams that have remained unfulfilled. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to experience, and so much I want to become.

But it’s probably okay. I know many people are dealing with problems far greater than mine.

The thing is, I want to record everything. Through journaling, photography, or whatever else allows me to preserve the things I experience. But then I wonder whether my life is important enough to document so thoroughly, especially with everything else happening in the world. People have better things to do.

Perhaps this doesn’t make sense. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense to me either.

Taking a long breath.

I don’t have friends, at least not the kind I wish I had. I completed my degree through distance learning, which meant I missed out on the prolonged closeness that can develop between people who attend university together. I never really attended classes after high school.

I met people along the way. Some became acquaintances, but very few became people I felt genuinely close to. I try to get to know my wife’s friends, but I haven’t found that sense of friendship there either. I still hope for a good connection.

There are things I want to explore: comic books, conventions, reading more, and other interests I haven’t given enough time to. But without something external pushing me forward, I struggle to stay focused on them for long.

Being an introvert doesn’t make meeting new people any easier. It’s not exactly shyness. I simply feel awkward about entering someone else’s space and initiating a conversation. I don’t want to intrude. And even if I do approach someone, what if they turn out to be just another acquaintance?

Perhaps I am thinking too far ahead. Perhaps I am trying to determine whether a connection will be meaningful before giving it enough time to become one.

Lately, I’ve also felt that I’ve been rushing to do too many things at once. Rushing towards reassurance, towards progress, towards some indication that everything will eventually work out. I want financial stability, meaningful friendships, new experiences, and the feeling that I am making good use of my time.

But these are things that often take time, and I keep looking for evidence that they are happening now.

I remind myself to slow down. I know that not everything can be achieved at once, and that some things cannot be hurried into existence. Yet knowing this and living by it are two very different things.

I suppose I’m still trying to learn the difference.